me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
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No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I am a gravy boat captain
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I really had high hopes for this year though
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
In Canada they just call them geese
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”