I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
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TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Well, shit
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Salad is the decaf of food.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick