Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
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Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
This is my bus stop.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.