Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
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Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I’ll be mad as hell!
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
adding to the discourse
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.