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[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
This is a bad sign
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Anime is real
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.