If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
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[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
#CoronaOutbreak
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
🤣🤣
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?