If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
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I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.