I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
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When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert