My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
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I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*