My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
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“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Do one person every day that scares you.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I need a headline like this
Grow up never but we old may grow we
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.