ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
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Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.