Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
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Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
time for some seasonal decor
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.