Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
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[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.