Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
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just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken