throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
You Might Also Like
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
How high do the levels go?
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.