(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
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If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
guilty
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.