I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
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stand with me against insufficient seating
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is