*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
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As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
My dog learned how to text
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.