I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
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The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks