Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
The three genders
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My brain is a bad influence on me
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Merry Christmas
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first