[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
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date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Fight
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.