Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
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law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.