The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
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I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
R.I.P.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Did I do this right
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”