[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
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Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
courtroom exchange of the day
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me