[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
You Might Also Like
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.