God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
You Might Also Like
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I saw nothing
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.