Xylophonist Shredding It
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Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?