Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
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Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
#winning
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty