I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
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this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Same pineapple, same
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
the rocks need my help
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”