I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.