wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
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If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
The best shot in the history of golf
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
It be like that sometimes 😆
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.