Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
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I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome