I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
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Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
WWE is French for “yes”
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth