[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
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You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
This made me smile…
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.