Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
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Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
*gets down on one knee*
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.