Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
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If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Stop being racist to kettles.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.