PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
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them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
scrabbled eggs
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Double negatives are never not confusing.