Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
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Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S