Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
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wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Many hands make light work
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Seek kebab; not attention
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
mood
That’s what I call a flat tire
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.