Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
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I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.