Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
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*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Love it! 👍😂
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…