People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
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Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.