boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
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IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.