one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
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ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.