Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
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Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.