I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
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Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
i wish i could marry a nap
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Great acting.. 😂
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….