Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
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So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.