Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
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As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
The Joker was right
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla