I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
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Never let them know your next move 😂
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
yeah no that’s fair
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles