[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
You Might Also Like
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I wish this was real life…
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win